Friends: Why Don't They Always Stay With You?

Published by Stephen Milward in Life · Friday 10 Jul 2026 · 4 minutes
Tags: friends, relationships, loyalty, connection, support, change, emotional, bonds, life, transitions, personal, growth, social, dynamics

First, let's define the characteristics that a friend may be. One attempt may be

'someone you share a close, mutual bond of affection, trust and loyalty with, enjoying their company and feeling supported by them, often through shared values, experiences, or just being there in good and bad times, ranging from casual acquaintances to deeply intimate companions. It's a relationship stronger than an acquaintance, built on honesty, trust, respect, and feeling accepted for who you are.'

That seems to cover it. A friend is special, in your thoughts, that you care about. Shared experiences seem to be the crux of it. You have 'school friends', 'college friends', 'work friends', 'social friends', in other words people who share, at the same time as you, something mutually important.

We all gain friends through life. We even rank them - 'best friend'. But sometimes, firm friendships break up. We've all experienced that too. It's a painful process. I've been through that.

An example from my life. I had a really good and firm friendship with a college student back in the 1970s. We came from different parts of the country and studied different subjects, but crucially lived on the same corridor in the student hall. We clicked, gave each other nicknames, laughed and became close. Close enough for him to be my best man at my wedding.

But then, the friendship started to come under pressure. We lived apart again. I was married. Our priorities changed and diverged. We saw each other around once a year.

'A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.'

Walter Winchell

The event that ended the friendship was a traumatic one. When Denise had her subarachnoid haemorrhage in 2013, I expected support, an email, a letter, a card, a phone call, a visit, something. Nothing. I did get emails later asking to visit, but I just couldn't see him again. I felt let down and I was angry.

I experienced 'ambiguous grief', the loss of a connection while a person is still alive. I now place the memories of that friendship in a specific time in my life. Above all, I do not feel guilty about the breakup. I'm a changed person who has moved on.

Many people have entered and left my life. For a very short time, the were meaningful and important, then they left just as quickly as they arrived. Looking back, the one thing that I would say they shared is that they took advantage of my generosity. I don't think of them as friends.

08 July 2026: A very strange and unexpected thing has happened. A friend of mine from childhood just appeared at my door with a souvenir from our first group, called 'Pegasus'. He'd written a journal of those days, which I didn't know existed and I now have a copy of it. It's a delight! Our lives have taken very different paths, which we discovered after a four hour conversation. We'll keep in touch.

So, losing friends is OK. It's a part of life. It can hurt, deeply wound and set in motion feelings of bitterness and loss. But here's the thing - you get over it in the end. You move on in your life. I've done it, so can you.